me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.