Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Bros before Ohioes
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.