My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.