Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin