My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]