I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’