[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
You Might Also Like
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Autocorrect completely socks
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Thank you corporation very cool
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.