Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.