*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
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My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Meme Monday.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.