[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Very problematic
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Canada has crack?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent