In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Wikigenius
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.