what my late-night hot pocket sees
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There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
How software testing works
my mom making me talk to relatives
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no