Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything