“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.