Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.