Big Sex has us all fooled
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me, in DM rooms…
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?