I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Blew my mind.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.