As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
You Might Also Like
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
This will teach them to underestimate me
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.