Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
You Might Also Like
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
me when I see my crush
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.