Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Best seat on the street 😍
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication