I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
You Might Also Like
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…