Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
How high do the levels go?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????