Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.