Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Omg 🤣