Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
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hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
some things should go without saying
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary