“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You Might Also Like
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
NASA has no chill
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator