[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends