Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
iPhone X
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”