My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Plant care tips
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Okay, I’m still confused…
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming