Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’