There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
A tragic love story in two pictures.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?