Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
You can’t outrun your problems…
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs