Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
my dad has had enough
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?