[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?