[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work