i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
You Might Also Like
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Air conditioning – not a fan
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets