Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Natty or not?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…