We found love in a hopeless place.
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Bit chilly again tonight.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Natty or not?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.