dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”