I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
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He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Beware of fowl play.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Fidel Castro was alive?