I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
A man of commitment.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce