[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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Godspeed, John Glenn
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I bet birds love this building.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m awake but I object,
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain