I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.