No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You Might Also Like
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.