Mornin
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I want this so bad
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.