In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Day 2 of my diet
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I am a gravy boat captain
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”