911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Ladies, why y’all do this?