Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*serious situation*
My brain:
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much