[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”