I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I love art.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.